As I write this I am feeling so torn about writing it and publishing it. However, I think I am writing it so I can remember the feeling I have at this exact moment.
I have been struggling a lot lately. There. I said it. I'm having a hard time. There are lots of reasons. I miss Nitosha and having a best girl friend. Someone that wants to be my friend as much as I want to be theirs. Sometimes you just need a good girl friend. I also am having a hard time with Juston's seizure. I was getting so good at not having anxiety about it. But that's hitting me again. I hate not knowing if/when it could happen again. Plus, that night I 100% thought he was going to die. Now I have a strong fear that will happen. I can tell myself a million times everything will be ok, but believing it is the hard part. Then there are all the other worries that come with life. Money, being a good wife and mom, being a good teacher to my little preschoolers, etc etc. There's a lot going on in my mind all the time. Well, tonight was one of those nights it all just came crashing out. Everything seemed to hit me all at once. I just laid and cried, talked to Juston, and cried some more. I would say my number 1 feeling is loneliness. Not because I feel like nobody loves me or anything like that. More because I don't feel like anyone understands my feelings. How can they really?
As I was laying here feeling like I wished someone could just understand I had one of the strongest thoughts come into my mind. Someone does. My Savior. He DOES know exactly how I feel. He felt this pain for me. He knows exactly what I'm going through. It gave me such a strong feeling of peace. I'm not alone in this. No, it didn't make my worries go away. It just made them bearable. I know I can get through this.
So while I'm nervous about letting everyone see into my vulnerable feelings I just had to write this down. I need to always remember this when I'm having a hard time. My Savior knows me and how I'm feeling, cares, and loves me.
2 comments:
I have had like 3 breakdowns so since moving here and having no one around. I too, have had a really hard time... And I have had major breaking points. Both times after I think I have got all my crying out, I ask Andrew for a blessing. BOTH times I have literally felt arounds wrapped around me. I have felt peace and as if my load has been lightened. Is it easy? No. Do I still break down?yes. But those experiences, are what make me stronger and make me realize I need to put my faith in The Lord. I can understand some of your feelings, I can't totally with j's seizures. My sister in law has gone through the same thing with her hubby. He has never had them, and since they got married he has had 3 or 4 seizures. She has dealt with it extremely well, but her life has changed a lot from it. If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to about j's seizures... I can totally give you her name. Hang in there! Your an extremely strong individual, and obviously The Lord thinks so has well because he knows you can handle the trails you have been given. A good cry every now and than I'd good too ;)
ooo my friend! i TOTALLY have the same feelings. a. lot. i was sad when i heard your friends were moving bc i knew how important they were to you!!
know you aren't alone. know how much people LOVE YOU. you are AWESOME. you are AMAZING! you are dealing with things that people shouldn't have to deal with all at once- pregnancy, working, mothering, worrying about husband's health & wellness, PLUS the million other things we expect of ourselves that are unrealistic.(who vacuums and sweeps tiny toddler crumbs every day?? NO ONE! lol)
you are doing a GREAT JOB. seriously. i am so proud of you. especially for posting your feelings. sometimes i think just acknowledging we feel this way is the way to help ourselves out of it. embrace this time of struggle. it won't break you. and i'm not going to tell you "it'll be fine" bc im sure you already know. life is hard. you are normal & strong & make super cute babies (1 for 1 right?) love you.
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